Drowning

I am so depressed and overwhelmed by my life right now. I have never imagined a picture perfect life for myself and I know things could be worse, but that doesn't make me feel any better. I hate the ugly woman I see in the mirror everyday. She's a failure. It seems none of my hard work matters. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to make things better. I'm not a drunk. I don't do drugs. I quit smoking years ago. Yet I can clearly see why many people have addictions. I want to run away from myself and the life I can't seem to escape nor improve. I understand how someone would try to use drugs and alcohol as an escape from what may seem like a nightmare you just can't wake up from. I hate the apartment I have to come home to after work. Black mold and a leaky tub in the downstairs bathroom. No GFCI outlets which is an electrocution and a fire hazard. The handle is falling off the sliding door to the tiny deck. The vertical blind no longer functions properly and it doesn't look like the landlord is planning to fix those along with everything else he's not going to fix. I can understand him not trying to fix the electrical and plumbing because once he touches those he has to bring them up to code which would be very expensive. But little things like the door handle and the vertical blind are daily annoyances. And I don't like vertical blinds. I told him I'ld be happy with a sturdy curtain rod. Then I could hang a good set of insulated curtains and add some color to this apartment. The walls and ceiling are all the same shade of white and I hate the lumpy oatmeal texture to hide that someone sucked at plastering. I hate that we're so poor that my daughter is accusing me of being cheap because I won't run the central air because we canNOT afford a $200 electric bill. I got paid today but I still can't go grocery shopping, not even to buy some dreaded ramen noodles. I keep trying to be positive. I keep trying to count our blessings. I'm trying to keep my chin up. But I'm drowning and losing my faith. God has become like my absentee father who was never there while I was growing up. I was crying at work today. I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, only never ending darkness. I need some help minimizing my belongings so this tiny apartment doesn't feel so tiny. The damn light bulb in the entryway went out months ago and despite the fact that I have a 6' tall ladder, I can't reach the damn thing to change it. I hate when I can't do something for myself and I hate to ask for help even more. And even when I ask for help, there's always an excuse as to why they can't come help. It's a damn light bulb, not a date.