My dream last night contained The Property Brothers, Drew and Jonathan Scott. If you don't watch Home and Garden TV, you may not be aware of them. They are a set of twin that are fairly good looking and little ole barely five foot tall me loves that they're six', four". So this should have been an awesome dream. I should have been loving every minute of it, but I wasn't.
It wasn't because my mother was in it. For those that know me well, they know I and my mother do not get along well. Something about someone wanting to put two bullets in your head makes you want to live far, far away from them. Hence I live in Utah, several states away from my home state of Ohio.
Yet for some reason in the dream we were looking to buy a home together and Drew was doing his job and showing us different homes that were fixer uppers that his brother Jonathan would fix up for us like they do on their show. Mind you I don't even want to live in the same state as my mother and I sure don't want to share a roof with her ever again.
But there we were going from house to house, except my request in what I wanted in a home were being totally ignored even though I was supplying half the money. I didn't want to be in the city. I wanted to be in the country, an actual current want for me. I want a farm where I can have chickens, perhaps a few goats, and a couple of groves of fruit trees. Yet all we were seeing was what my mother wanted who insisted she wanted a maintenance free home. She didn't want to mow grass or shovel snow ever again. As if she doesn't need the exercise.
We didn't see one home that I would have been interested in, not even something that was a compromise. Not that my mother knows how to compromise. My request were totally ignored. She picked out some tiny condo that would have us all on top of each other and even though it was a fixer upper, its price was outrageous.
I was livid and I wouldn't do it. My mother kept telling Drew, not to worry, that I would get over it. Except I wasn't getting over it. I was finished. I went and found my own little farm with its own fixer upper and started working on it myself, by myself. Drew and Jonathan showed up to try to talk to me because they had put a lot of time and effort in for the episode my family's house hunt etc was supposed to occupy, but was not getting finished.
Jonathan said surprised, "You're a hard worker." I was like yeah so and asked why they were surprised. And they shared that my mother kept insisting that I was lazy and we needed a maintenance free home because I would never help with the yard work etc. I laughed because it wasn't true and informed them that I was the work horse in the family. For years I mowed my mother's lawn, shoveled the snow and helped out where ever I was able.
Granted, I'm not as young as I used to be and I work as hard as my body will allow me, but I'm still a hard worker. I wish I had a lawn to mow and my own drive to clear snow from. To me, those things that many other people find annoying and don't want to do are a privilege. They are the things you get to do when you own your own home, a privilege that keeps eluding me.
I just can't seem to work hard enough. Nothing I do is ever enough. And I guess on top of being exhausted from life and the many trials that have been thrown my way, my dream indicates that I am also angry and frustrated. And there's nothing I can do to make things better. I have done and am continuing to do everything I can.
Yet there is no reward for all my hard work and efforts. I continue to be haunted by my past and there seems to be no relief insight except for the fact that I can't live forever. And I guess until the day I finally expire, I'll just be stuck dreaming.
