Identity for Sale

Identity for Sale.
Anybody out there want to be me?
I'll happily sell you my life. Maybe you can do better with it than I have. There's only my crazy mom-ster to put up with who may or may not kill you. And my dad who's a drug dealer/pimp. My son just recently lost all his marbles and shot an arrow at the Lorain City Police in Ohio and threw a sword at them. Thankfully, the police weren't trigger happy and only tazed him. Tazing's good. My boy's still alive at this point and charged with two felonies and a forth degree misdemeanor, and he's my good kid. My daughter lives with me here in Utah and she's my difficult child who's driving me crazing with her hate for cleanliness and organization.
Once you take over my life, you'll also have to put up with being unemployed despite having a Bachelor's of Science in Education. Oh, and you won't have a car either. You'll have to take the bus and bum rides from others. Your best friend will have slept with your fiancee and you will find yourself very alone in the world.
The perks are despite only being 5 feet tall and weighing about 210 pounds, you will look much younger than you actually are and when you tell people you're the mother of a 23 year old and a seventeen year old, their mouths will drop open.
You will also be nearsighted and unable to find a good man to spend your life with. You'll also be an LDS convert and unable to drink, smoke or have sex with anyone that's not your legal spouse and you don't get a spouse, sorry. And right now I would really like to have a beer, a cigarette, a roll in the hay with a reasonably good looking man and a cup of nice hot stale truck stop coffee with lots of cream and sugar would really hit the spot. But you won't be able to have a cup of coffee or tea either, sorry.
You will enjoy writing short stories and poems, but no one will be interested in reading them. You'll also enjoy sketching and drawing floor plans for homes. But you won't get to live in a house. You may experience brief bouts of homelessness, but currently you'll be residing in a two bedroom basement apartment that was built in the fifties and is way over due for some serious remodeling and repairs. And there's no shortage of spiders down there.
If you are interested in purchasing my identity or have a reasonable trade to offer, you'll find me in Layton, Utah which is a nice little city. I'll either be walking about or on the bus. Just look for a short roundish Native/African American woman who looks about 28. But I'm sorry, you'll actually be 40.