Overwhelming

Life is often overwhelming. Or at least for me, there has never been a shortage of overwhelming events that often make me feel like I'm drowning in a pitch black tunnel with no light to show me the way out and I can't tell up from down.

My son turned 31 two days ago and I haven't seen him in over ten years now. I miss him terribly and worry for him constantly. My daughter is under the same roof as myself, but I worry for her constantly. My biggest worry is trying to ensure neither will be homeless after I'm gone and that the home that they have after I'm gone is a safe one.

Learned a couple of weeks ago that my father is seriously ill. He was diagnosed with liver cancer and just learned a couple of day ago it's stage 3. He's 72 and he's beat the odds in life a lot of times. He has lived and isn't afraid to die. He wasn't the best father, but I love him. I haven't seen him in over ten years and most of the things I may be mad at him about seem trivial now. All I want for him to know right now is that I still love him, that I will always love him.

He wasn't around much when I was growing up and I wish he had been there more, mostly to keep my mother from beating me because she had a violent temper. I cried for him and she would mock me that he wasn't coming. I threatened to tell daddy more than once about her beatings. But I was always just so happy to see him when he made it for a visit that I never remembered to tell.

My sister Reneta wants us all to make it to South Carolina to see Dad and each other. It's been more than ten years since I've seen anyone except my daughter. And the only reason I see her everyday is she lives with me. The other day Cherokee forbid me from dying. She knows that's not how it works, but hey, can't blame her for trying.

As for going to see Dad and everyone else, I want to very badly. But my arch enemy the monetary system instituted and perpetuated by greedy ass people is totally in my way. My stomach is in knots and I've been up all night. Up all night isn't unusual for me, but the knotted stomach is driving me up a wall.

Would love to visit a doctor about some of the things that are troubling me, but I currently have no health coverage. You have a right to an attorney and if you can't afford one, one will be appointed to you free of charge. But you don't have a right to health care in this country. If you can't afford a doctor, no one's going to appoint one to you, you gonna die.

Of course, no matter what we're all headed there anyway. Still, most of us would prefer to put it off as long as possible. But until it's my time I'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep pushing forward no matter how hard the world keeps trying to push me backward.

Daunting

The idea of a big move is intimidating and quite daunting. And for some people a big move is moving to the next town over or the next county over. For me, those would be little moves that require minimum preparation. But a move from one state to another is a substantial move that can throw you into culture shock.

My first big move was from Ohio to South Carolina motivated by not wanting to still be in Ohio when my mother was released from prison for conspiracy to commit aggravated murder. Knowing my mother as well as I do, I knew if I was still present in Ohio when she was released that she would pick up where she left off in her pursuit to kill me. And I would either die at her hands or be forced to kill her in self defense, neither of which are desirable to me in any way.

My move to South Carolina was made easier by the fact that I have relatives there. So I had family that I could turn to if I needed them. I have a tendency to be extremely independent so I'm not in the habit of asking for help or seeking help until I absolutely need it, or often way overdue for needing help. After years of emotional and physical abuse at the hands of my mother and no one ever being there for me, I don't expect anyone to come save me or be there for me any more. I stopped hoping to be saved or helped when I was still a child. But my move was made easier by having my father and step-mom to move in with initially when I arrived there. But I made a point of not over staying my welcome and moving into my own place quickly.

After my daughter was diagnosed with Asberger's  Syndrome, a form of Autism, I found myself motivated to move due to South Carolina's lack of proper educational programs for children with varying disabilities. Unable to return to Ohio because my mother lives there, I did some research and discovered that LA has some schools that specialize in children like my daughter. But I couldn't get her registered to one until we lived there.

Now my paternal Aunt Sonny lives in California somewhere, but I lost her address and phone number and didn't feel I could call my father and ask for them. My attempt to relocate to LA was a disaster. The apartment I thought I had lined up was much smaller than the add had made it seem. If it had been a parking space, it wasn't large enough for me to park my Camaro in and we don't even want to discuss how expensive this minuscule domicile was. There are tiny houses that are way more spacious than this place was.

So we found ourselves sleeping on the floor of a very nice couple from Utah who asked if we knew anyone in Utah. Well we did. We didn't know them very well, but I called them and they let me and my daughter come stay with them here in Utah temporarily. One of their daughter's gave up her room temporarily for me and Cherokee to share while she slept on the living room couch. The Whetstones will always hold a special place in my heart and I will always consider them family.

And now I find myself ready to make another big daunting move. But not so big and daunting as moving from one side of the country to the other. Las Vegas, Nevada is only about 450 miles from where I currently live in Utah. That's less than a 7 hour drive. So I've set up some vacation time for the beginning of March when I will also have a birthday on the 3rd. I will drive down there and spend a few days driving about getting to know the area.

I've been looking into extended stay hotels. And while some can be rather pricey, I have found a few that are reasonable. What I pay in rent now combined with what I'm paying to keep us warm during the winter is still less than a month at the extended stays I'm interested in. Utilities, WiFi and a pool are included. The mention of a pool makes everything perfect to my daughter.

I'm hoping and praying that everything goes well. There shouldn't be any trouble transferring my job. And if all goes reasonably well, perhaps I will be buying my first ever home for myself and my children. Charles may be in Ohio, but I still keep him in the forefront of my mind.

My biggest worry is that my children could end up homeless after I die. And I have been unable to buy a home here in Utah. I can't get a loan large enough to buy something that's halfway decently livable here. Things are just too expensive here. Plus, I really miss the diversity of Ohio. Still can't go back to Ohio and there's no sense in me dwelling on that. So I'm hoping the Las Vegas/Henderson area will do the trick for us.

I hope to have our own home by the time my younger brother Jason shows up with his Nanny dog in tow. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers. If you're atheist, please wish us luck.