Strange Dreams

I hate nightmares and strange dreams, especially the ones that keep you from going back to sleep. But I had two dreams in a row the other night, the second dream didn't let me go back to sleep. I am arachnophobic and I had a dream that huge tarantulas were crawling out of my pantry. As if tarantulas weren't large enough normally, these were at least twice normal adult tarantula size.
I currently live in a basement apartment and spiders along with other things that have too many legs are an issue. Things with more legs than dogs and cats just don't seem natural to me. But those things are a natural part of life and I know I shouldn't be too freaked out about them. But when a spider bite nearly kills you, I guess that leaves you a bit wary which is an understatement with me.
Now the first dream I had the other night was really strange and I find it odd that it wasn't the one that kept me from going back to sleep. I was eating myself. There were two of me. One of me was lying unconscious or sleeping maybe, possibly dead. The other me was devouring the unconscious me and the other me wasn't a zombie or anything like that. The devouring me looked perfectly normal as did the unconscious me. I don't remember much else from the dream aside from devouring my own jaw.
I wonder what a dream analyst or psychiatrist would say to me about my dreams. I certainly prefer the ones that don't wake me up and keep me awake. Sweet dreams.

Just A Little Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, during a time so long ago, no one remembers the date.  There were two kingdoms on opposite sides of a sparkling river.  On one side, in the East Kingdom lived a princess named Etta.  On the other side, in the West Kingdom lived a prince named Keanu.

Before either Princess Etta or Prince Keanu were born, there had been a terrible war between the two kingdoms.  Many people died.  But the war had been so long ago no one remembered why the war began.  All either side knew was the Kings who ruled during the war agreed to a truce to prevent the further loss of life on both sides.  Therefore, a proclamation went out in both kingdoms.  In order to keep peace, each kingdom would behave as if the other did not exist.  “We’ll stay on our side of the river, and they’ll stay on their side,” and it had been this way for over a hundred years.

In the East Kingdom, despite being in a castle full of people, Princess Etta was very lonely.  She was surrounded by all kinds of people: maids, teachers, knights and jesters, except being around so many people just made Etta feel lonelier.  But she could make herself feel better by going up into an old tower with a tall window.  There she would sit staring out the window at the sparkling river.  From here she could even see the West Kingdom’s castle.

In the West Kingdom, even with a castle full of people, Prince Keanu was also very lonely.  He too, was surrounded by many people different kinds of people: maids, knights, jesters and advisors, except being around so many people, made Keanu feel lonelier.  But he would make himself feel better by going up into the old tower with a tall window.  There he would sit staring out at the sparkling river. From here he could even see the East Kingdom’s castle.

Princess Etta’s long hours alone at the tower window caused the King of the East Kingdom to worry about his daughter. He sent for her and she came and sat at his feet in the thrown room.  The King asked, “My dearest daughter, art thou ill?”

“Dearest loving father,” Etta answered, “I eat healthy foods and exercise every other day.  Do not worry thy heart.  I am in excellent health.”

Three days later, the King of the East Kingdom was still worried about his daughter. He sent for Etta a second time.  This time the King asked, “My dearest daughter, is there any thing thy heart desires? All thy needs do is ask for it and it shall be fetched for thee.”

“Dearest loving father,” Etta answered, “What could my heart desire?  Everything I could possibly want or need is provided for me here in this castle: food, clothing, shelter, education… everything.”

Yet three days after that, the King of the East Kingdom was still quite worried for Etta. So he consulted with his wife, the Queen.

“My beloved husband and King, she is not ill, nor is she in want or need of anything.  Perhaps our daughter is lonely,” the Queen suggested.

The worried King of the East Kingdom went himself up into the old tower with the tall window.  He found Etta gazing longingly out the tall window.  The concerned King asked, “My dearest daughter, art thou lonely?”

Etta laughed, “Dearest loving father, how could one be lonely in a castle full of people?” 

But Etta’s sad, lonely heart betrayed her by sending tears down her cheeks, “Please, do not be angry with me for my deception, Father.  I only wished not to worry thee.”

Etta’s father, the East King, was not angry. He was a kind, gentle, understanding man.  He tried to console his daughter with a warm, loving hug.

The King of the West Kingdom had also begun to worry about his son, Keanu.  The King sent for his son.  When Keanu arrived, he knelt at his father’s feet in the Thrown Room.  The King of the West Kingdom asked, “My son, are you sick?”

“My dear Poppa,” Keanu answered, “I eat healthy and exercise. Don’t worry. I’m in excellent health.”

Three days later, the King of the West Kingdom was still worried about his son.  The King sent for Keanu a second time.  This time the King asked, “My son, is there anything you want or need? All you have to do is ask and it will be gotten for you.”

“My dear Poppa,” Keanu answered, “everything I could possibly want or need is provided for me here: food, clothes, shelter, education… everything.  What else could I want or need?”

Yet three days after that, the King of the West Kingdom was still quite worried.  So he consulted with his wife, the Queen.

“My darling husband, the King, he isn’t sick and he doesn’t need or want a thing.  Maybe our son is lonely.”

The greatly worried King of the West Kingdom went himself up into the old tower with the tall window.  He put a hand on Keanu’s shoulder, “My son, I’ve had a talk with your mother and she seems to think you may be lonely. Are you lonely?”

Keanu laughed loudly, “My dear Poppa, how could anyone be lonely in a castle full of people?’

But Keanu’s sad, lonely heart betrayed him by causing his bottom lip to quiver, “Please don’t be upset with me for not being up front with you, Poppa.  I just didn’t want you to worry.”

Keanu’s father, the West King, wasn’t upset. The King was a kind, gentle, understanding man. He tried to console his son with a warm, buddy hug.

At the exact same moment, Princess Etta and Prince Keanu looked at the other’s tower and both said, “I often wonder as I sit and stare over there… if there’s someone who sits there with a lonely stare like me.”

How does one cure loneliness?  Neither king knew what to do.  But each Queen had a suggestion, “I have heard rumors of an old woman, who lives near the river.  It’s said she is a powerful healer capable of healing anything.  Maybe she knows of a cure for lonesomeness.”

So, each king sent for the healing woman his wife told him about.  And each ancient woman old was brought before each king in his thrown room, where each king explained his dilemma.

“The cure for loneliness, Your Majesty, is quite simple,” each frail old woman told each king, “True love cures loneliness, Sire.  I will speak now with your progeny alone… No need to show me the way. I already know.”

In the old towers of the castles, each ancient woman approached the royal heir, who sat at the tall window and stared.

“No need to fear child,” each old woman assured each royal heir. “I’m here to help.  Lovely view of the river from here.”  Each old woman actually looked at the tower of the castle in the other kingdom and knew the other was there.

“The cure for what aches in your heart cannot be found within these castle walls.  A quest must be taken.  Once the instructions for this quest are heard, leave immediately, alone, or forever be cursed with an empty heart.”

Well, neither Princess Etta nor Prince Keanu wanted to spend the rest of their lives feeling empty and alone.  They each did exactly as they were told.

“My destiny awaits me,” Princess Etta and Prince Keanu each said to themselves. Princess Etta’s horse galloped threw the thick forest.  Prince Keanu sped on his motorcycle with its rarely used sidecar down an old narrow road through the thick forest.

Princess Etta arrived at the old stone bridge the old woman told her about.  It stretched across the sparkling river to the other side where the West Kingdom began.  Cautiously, on her horse, she approached the old stone bridge.

“Thy destiny will find thee upon that bridge,” Etta repeated the old woman’s words to herself.  As she reached the middle of the bridge, her horse was spooked by a loud roaring noise.  Princess Etta was thrown from her horse and all was blackness.

“You’ll find your destiny upon that bridge,” Prince Keanu repeated the old woman’s words to himself as he approached the bridge on his motorcycle.  For a moment, he glimpsed a horse running off in the opposite direction.

Lying upon the old stone bridge, Prince Keanu found a cloaked figure.  When he pulled back the hood of the cloak, he discovered a beautiful young woman.  It looked almost as if she were sleeping.  But when he turned her over, he could see she had hit her head and was unconscious.

When Prince Keanu came plodding through the thrown room caring an unconscious beautiful young woman, the King of the West Kingdom asked, “My son, who is she?”

“She is my destiny,” Keanu answered.

Prince Keanu carried the young woman to his suite and carefully laid her on his four-poster bed.  “Bring me fresh water and clean towels,” Keanu told a chambermaid, “I will be tending her myself.”

Prince Keanu cared for the unconscious woman for three days and three nights.  At night, he slept in a chair at her bedside.  During the day, he stayed perched on the side of the bed. He held her small hand, changed the cloth on her head and stared at her beautiful face.  He did not leave her side.

Late in the evening of the third night, the beautiful young woman opened her eyes.  “Where art I,” she asked the dashingly handsome young man, who was sitting on the side of the bed.

“May haps thee be my husband,” asked the young woman confused.  “Are we familiar with another?”

The way the young woman talked was a bit strange to the young man, but he understood her.  “No, no, neither,” he answered.

“My name is Keanu.  Do you remember your name?”

The young woman thought for a moment, then answered by sadly shaking her head no.

“If you remember anything, what do you remember,” asked Keanu.

Keanu’s speech was odd to the young woman, but she understood him.  She thought for a few moments.  Then she answered, “A quest… I was on a quest to find… no, no to be found… by my destiny, me thinks…  How queer that must sound to thy ears.  For it sounds such to mine own.”

Keanu smiled at the young woman, “It makes perfect sense to me.  And until you remember your name, I’ll call you Destiny.”

Destiny smiled back at Keanu.  As they smiled at each other, they both realized something.  They realized they were in love with each other.

A few weeks later, Keanu and the beautiful Destiny were married.  During a game at the wedding reception, the new bride found a spiraling staircase.  Her new husband chased her up the stairs as she laughed.  She stopped at a tall window and looked out.  There she saw the sparkling river and the old tower of the East Kingdom’s castle.

Keanu wrapped his arms around Destiny and shared, “I used to spend many lonely hours staring out this window.”

A tear escaped Destiny’s eyes.  “Wondering if someone there was a lonely as thyself here,” she added.

“Yes, how did you know,” asked Keanu surprised.

“I remember now,” she answered.  “I did as thee from the window of that tower there.  My name is Etta… Princess Etta of the East Kingdom.”

Keanu was quiet a moment.  Then he responded, “None of that matters to me.  You’re the woman I love, my wife and I’m spending the rest of my life with you.”

Etta was afraid, “But it will matter to thy parents.  What shall we do?”

“Tonight we won’t worry about it.  We’ll retire early to our suite like any couple on their wedding night.  We won’t speak of this to anyone else tonight.  We’re not letting anything spoil our wedding night.”

The next morning, the newlyweds hadn’t finished their breakfast when there was a knock on their door.

“Prince Keanu,” a knight stepped inside the door, “I’m sorry to interrupt.  But your father wants you to join him immediately in the Great Entrance Hall.”

“Is there a problem,” asked Keanu.

The knight answered, “We have visitors from the East Kingdom.  Your father wants you present for this historic occasion. They just arrived with peace banners high in the air.”

The newlyweds held hands, fingers intertwined, as they entered the great hall together.  There was a man knelt down before the King of the West Kingdom.  He was explaining to the King about his lost daughter.

“We scoured my kingdom in search of her.  But found nothing until we came to the old stone bridge that extends over the river which separates our kingdoms,” the King of the East Kingdom shared, “I have come to beg thy assistance.  Not as a King, but as a father who fears his only child is lost forever.”

“I can only imagine, as a father myself, what you must be going through,” said the King of the West Kingdom, “We will help. It’s the least we can do.”

Etta couldn’t stand off to the side and watch her father suffer.  She ran forward.  “I’m here father,” she shouted and threw her arms around his neck.

The King of the East Kingdom cried happy tears as he hugged his daughter, “I thought I had lost thee forever.  Thank heaven thou art safe.”

“I am not lost to thee,” Etta responded as she stretched out her hand to Keanu.  Keanu took her hand and knelt before the King of the East Kingdom. “Father, this is Keanu,” Etta introduced him.

“Our son,” added the King of the West Kingdom standing with his wife the Queen.

Etta explained, “He found me after I was thrown from my horse.  I struck my head.” She showed her father the scar on the corner of her forehead.  “I suffered from amnesia.  I could not even remember my own name until yesterday eve.”

“You remembered yesterday,” the King of the West Kingdom felt deceived, “and you told no one.”

“Etta told me, her husband,” Keanu informed his father. “Besides, it was our wedding night, I would not have not spoiled.”

“Wedding night,” inquired the King of the West Kingdom.

“Keanu is my husband,” Etta informed her father, “We were married yesterday morn… Mother will be so sad she did not see.”

The words “married” and “husband” rang through the King of the East’s head like resounding church bells.  The King of the East Kingdom was filled with new worries.   “My dearest daughter, ist thou sure of this?”

“Father,” Etta’s brow was furrowed, “I love Keanu.”

Keanu assured the East King, “I love your daughter with all of my heart.”

The King of the East Kingdom did not wish to spoil his daughter’s newfound happiness.  So, he hid his worry with a smile and announced, “I have found my daughter alive, well, happy and healthy.  And with her, find I have a son as well.”

The East Kingdom’s knights cheered, and the West Kingdom’s knights cheered with them.

Except all was not happily ever after, there was paper work to be done on the uniting of the two kingdoms that had spent so long existing as separate entities.  The day the papers were signed was supposed to be a day of celebration at the East Kingdom castle.  But just as the celebration began, so did the arguing between the two kings.

The East King’s voice was firm, “It is customary for the husband to leave his family and cleave to his wife.  They shall live here in the East Kingdom Castle.”

“Don’t be old fashioned,” insisted the West King, “Nowadays the bride goes to live with her husband.  They’ll live in West Kingdom Castle.”

Then suddenly, the two kings were in each other’s faces shouting about who was right and whose ways were best, the old ways of the East of the new ways of the West.

The queens looked at each other not knowing what to do.  The whole room stared speechless. Only Etta and Keanu tried to stop the argument, but were ignored by their fathers.

All at once both kings decided the whole thing was pointless.  They turned away from each other, looked at Etta and Keanu, pointed at them and ordered the knights, “Separate them!”

Etta and Keanu both shouted, “NO!!!”  They ran, but knights blocked their path. They clung as tightly as they could to each other.  Servants tried to help them by getting in the way of the knights.  Some servants clung to the prince and princess in an attempt to keep them from being pried apart.  But screaming servants were simply grabbed pulled and tossed aside until knights from both kingdoms reached the couple.  Then large unmerciless hands began to pull the couple apart.  The newlyweds begged to be left alone.  The knights apologized and said they had to follow orders.

Knights held onto both Etta and Keanu. Only their fingertips were not yet pulled apart and had begun to slip.

A violent wind blew open the double entrance doors of the ballroom.  Two old women floated through the doorway into the room.  Their faces were mirror images of each other.  Frightened knights dropped Etta and Keanu to the floor.  The newlyweds scrambled into each other’s arms.  They looked up at the two women that hovered in the air and recognized them as the same women who’d sent them on their quest.  The newlyweds were unafraid; even though, everyone else in the ballroom was terrified.

As the two witches hovered together in the air, they spoke. They spoke in unison, alternated every couple of words and finished each other’s sentences.

“Too many years,” they said together. One began, “Too many years,” the other finished, “for sisters to be apart.”  “We won’t let it happen again… There is no dilemma here. The true loves have a solution.  If you would only be wise enough to listen,” and they motioned to Etta and Keanu.

Etta and Keanu stood up and faced their fathers. The two kings had to listen or face the wrath of the two witches.  They could have been capable of terrible things and were obviously very powerful.

Keanu spoke first, “Our fathers and kings, our solution on where to live is a castle of our own.  We spoke with architects of both kingdoms.  It will straddle the river near the old stone bridge, which will allow it to exist in both kingdoms at the same time.  Working together, they finished the plans a week ago.”

Etta looked from father to father-in-law as she spoke, “It will take builders from both kingdoms, working together, twelve to eighteen months to complete.  We decided until it is complete, we will live in both castles, two weeks in one and two weeks in the other.”

“But tradition,” the East King started and was hushed by the witches.

“Neither way is wrong,” said Etta.

Keanu explained, “Both ways are fine, but we have our own way.  We’ll blend the new ways with tradition.”

The witches spoke, “There’s more than one way to skin a cat.  One problem may have many solutions.”

The two kingdoms were finally united by true love and twin witches.  Princess Etta and Prince Keanu moved into their own castle with its own tall tower.  Instead of a tall window it had a balcony, from which Etta and Keanu could see both the East and West castles.  There they were finally able to live happily, and were never lonely again.

Brutus Sit: A True Story

One beautiful hot summer day, when we were kids, my younger brother Jason decided to take our large outside dog, Brutus for a walk. Now Brutus wasn't an outside dog because of his large size. He was an outside dog because he wasn't the brightest bulb in the box. If big-dumb-dog was a word you could look up in the dictionary, you just may of found a picture of Brutus. He knew his name and one command: sit.

So, without our mother's permission, my younger brother, Jason, who probably barely weighed 50 pounds at the time and most certainly less than the dog, got the leash and went to out backyard. There he attached the leash to Brutus's collar and disconnected Brutus from his cow-chain. Ordinary dog chains you by at your local store Brutus broke like twigs.

Jason made it down the driveway to the sidewalk with Brutus. At the sidewalk is where Brutus decided to run. And Jason being too small to control our big dumb lovable dog, fell. Except Jason held tight to Brutus's leash and Brutus proceeded to drag poor little Jason on his bare back down the side walk. It was a hot summer day so Jason was only wearing a pair of shorts.

I yelled for our mother, who quickly stepped out the front door and yelled our dog's name and the one command he knew, "Brutus! Sit!" Brutus promptly and obediently sat. He sat right on Jason's face.

Lillianna's Thoughts

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

It’s been good to be me. No, my life is not perfect and I’m far from it myself, but I think this is close. Teaching math to seventh graders in this small southern college town has been good for me. At least it’s small when compared to the city I came from up north. I live just on the outskirts of the south side of town. Close enough to ride my bicycle to school every day, weather permitting. About the only time my old compact-hybrid gets driven now is for my biweekly trips to the grocery store. Good thing since gas is nearly ten and a half dollars a liter. A neighbor who’s a transport salesman keeps asking when I’m going to trade my “old heap” in for a new or at least a newer solar model. My answer is always, “When it won’t take me twenty years to pay for one.”

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

We have a new teacher in the building this year. He’s not new to the district. He’s transferred over from our sister school on the north side of town. He teaches art across the hall from me, and he has the same lunch period as me and my mentor, Ms. Visci. Until Mr. Andrew Dixon came, Ms. Visci and I were the only unmarried teachers in our building. Him having lunch with us just feels natural. He asked me to call him Andy. He has the warmest brown eyes and his dark brown hair is just slightly curly. He keeps it pulled back into a ponytail at the nape of his neck. His smile is beautiful. I can feel myself blush when he smiles at me from beside his classroom door as the student’s change classes. I don’t smile much myself, never have.

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

Well, it’s official. Mr. Dixon and Ms. Oaktree, that’s me, are an item. Our students are having fun giggling at us. Ms. Visci says it’s good to see me so happy. She said the amount of time I spent alone was unhealthy. Andy lives about a block from the small house I’m buying. He just showed up one Monday morning and asked if he could ride bikes with me to school. I shrugged and said, “Sure.” Then he showed up the following Saturday with two-canvas grocery bags and asked if he could make dinner. Usually the only home cooked meal I get is at Ms. Visci’s after church on Sunday and sometimes a couple of Ms. Visci’s relatives stop by. She’s the only one of the three of us with a large extended family. Andy was an only child and his parents are deceased. As for my family, I haven’t had contact with anyone, not even my mother, for years. But, take my word for it, it’s for the best.

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

Andy is always asking me questions about myself. I really don’t like to talk about myself. I don’t come from good people. I’m still not sure I live far enough away from my so-called family. I’m sure enemies are friendlier. He says to me, “Lilly, I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable, and I’m not trying to pry. I just want to know everything about you.” Sometimes I wish I could run away from myself. I have too much info on me. I like it when he holds me, but I always stop any making-out before things get too far. Him seeing my body means explaining things I wish I could forget, just hit delete and poof it never happened. Stretch marks from the son I gave up for adoption at fifteen and scars from being physically abused. Not things one is eager to discuss with the man she loves. There! I admitted it. I’m in love with Andy and it scares me and makes me feel vulnerable.

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

Things are unusually quiet. It’s as if the world is holding its breath. Even our students, who are normally buzzing with gossip, are unusually quiet. It’s all over the news. Some God Forsaken third world country obliterated itself experimenting with biological, nuclear and atomic weapons. Well, it seems they succeeded at the atomic bomb part. The worry is: what has this massive catastrophe unleashed upon the world?

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

It seems to have begun. Scientists all over the world are working feverishly to stop it. It seems nothing is immune to it and the earth will be left barren. The virus seems capable of infecting all living things: plants, animals and insects. They’re saying it will wipe the earth clean of all life. I really don’t know what to think. All I can do is take it one day at a time and survive if possible. That’s how I have always lived my life. So far, our community is untouched, but the rumor is that it has already reached the states.

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

The insects are dying. There are dead insects everywhere. They crunch and squish under your feet as you walk outside. And my rose bushes are wilting. But the behavior of the insects is the most disturbing. As if they go mad before they die. Ms. Visci took her PE class out and they were attacked by a swarm of black flies this morning. Then the flies just dropped to the ground dead, nearly all at once.

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

My rose bushes are dead as well as patches of my lawn. Ok, I confess, I like gardening, it’s not just for appearances sake, I enjoy it. Andy’s presence is a blessing because he comforts me. He has such a positive attitude, such faith. There were several dead birds on the ground as we rode bikes to school this morning. There was a robin flopping wildly on the ground as it died. But it seems all will not be destroyed. Seems that things that live in the water are immune. At least, that’s what they’re saying. They’re also saying human beings have no immunity to the virus, that whole villages have been wiped out by it in Africa and India. I keep the TV off. I can’t look at the newspaper, but I pray. I don’t know what good it will do, but I pray.

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

Who needs a paper or TV when there’s Ms. Visci to keep you informed? Apparently, the first official US death has occurred from the virus, a man in Old New York City. They say thousands are infected, but don’t know it yet. They say the first symptoms are dry mouth and nervous twitching similar to that seen with Turrets Syndrome. Some symptoms seem common to every one that has contracted it. Ms. Visci says some of the people that have died in Asia suddenly spiked an outrageously high fever and expired just as suddenly. Others have lingered with Alstymers like symptoms while others have become crazed and violent like rabies. They don’t know if it’s different strains of the same virus, different viruses, or differences from person to person like over all health, age, gender or even if race makes a difference. The only thing agreed upon is that there seems to be a zero survival rate.

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

Ms. Visci just had to turn on the news after church yesterday. The anchorwoman suddenly stood up, screamed and collapsed over dead during her live commentary. Then the Johnson girl was absent from school today. That child has never missed a day of school before in her life. Andy and I stopped by the Johnson home on our way home. Mrs. Johnson is ill. Mr. Johnson said he didn’t see the point in sending the children to school. Andy with his eternal optimism and faith tried to reason with him, but Mr. Johnson’s mind is made up. Bye-bye denial. It has officially invaded our community, and I think my dog, Wiggly, has it. I’ve noticed some unusual twitching from her.

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

Andy asked me to marry him. He thinks I won’t sleep with him because we’re not married. I didn’t say no, but I didn’t say yes either. I did say that I wasn’t waiting for marriage and that I love him; that my hang-ups have nothing to do with him. He’s picked enough information from me to know my childhood was traumatic. He let me know that when I’m ready to talk, he’s ready to listen. I just need him to love me and accept me at face value. If I told him half of what my childhood and adolescence was like, he would probably look at me like I’ve grown a second head. Then he’ld probably get stuck on trying to figure out how I manage to function like a normal person. I’ve had it happen before. I’ve learned the hard way not to share too much about myself. I’ve confided a lot in Ms. Visci. She says I’m a miracle. Miracles… I don’t know if I believe in such a thing.

TODAYS’ THOUGHTS

Half of the students were absent from school. I normally have twenty-six to thirty students per class. Now I have about half that. And yesterday Wiggly bit me; I had to chain her out in the back yard. She doesn’t seem to recognize me and she’s not eating her food.

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

The college students have started going home. They want to be with their families. All the people who matter most to me are right here. People are dying here too. Andy helped me bury my Wiggly, just a little mutt I picked up from the animal shelter but I loved her. I tried to make an appointment with the vet, but there was no answer. I’m not sure if she expired from the virus directly or from starvation or dehydration. She didn’t eat or drink a thing for three days and I couldn’t get near her. She barked, growled and snapped wildly every time I tried. I could have shot her and put her out of her misery. I should have shot her and put her out of her misery. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it and I can’t ask someone else to do something I’m not willing to do myself. I only have about a half dozen students showing up per class and with nearly half the staff absent we’re going to consolidate the remaining students and I’m taking over Social Studies and Health.

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

My beloved friend and mentor, Ms. Visci, is ill. It’s not bad yet, but it still scares me. To see such a strong independent woman weakened in this way breaks my heart. Not many students or teachers are making it to school. I deliberately don’t count out of my own selfish need to protect my sanity. But I know Andy could rattle off the numbers if I asked. One of the major networks is nothing but snow. The others are endless reruns except for an occasional news broadcast done by a skeleton crew. We still have electricity so far and everyone around here either owns a generator or has windmills and solar panels. So we’re just waiting for the power company to shut down.

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

Ms. Visci is too ill to come to school. There are no students coming to school anyway. Andy is helping me look after Ms. Visci. It’s like a ghost town here. We’ve been without power nearly a week. But it could be worse. We’ve had no looting or rioting. People are basically keeping to themselves. We help each other when we can. Usually we only see small groups of about a half-dozen people when some one has died and needs to be buried. There are no fancy trips to the cemetery. We bury our dead in the backyard with the family pets that have expired. Ms. Visci is unafraid of dying. She did cry profusely over the loss of her beloved pets: two dogs: Bob and Marley, two cats: Fleetwood and Mack and her cockatoo: Shaggy. She’s actually comforted by knowing she’ll be next to them. She’s lost the ability to control her bowels and bladder and keeps apologizing for it and telling me what a good daughter I am. So, she’s a little confused too. Ms. Visci has no children of her own. But I guess I am the closest thing she has to a daughter, so I’ve taken to calling her mom and so has Andy, who has become a good son-in-law for her.

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

We buried Ms. Visci the other day. It’s been a few days since we’ve see anyone else. I think Andy and I are the only two people left alive in town. I went for a walk by myself. I just needed to be alone and stretch my legs after being cooped up in Ms. Visci’s for three weeks looking after her. During my walk I noticed the Johnson’s front door was hanging open. I now hate my own curious nature. I went inside calling for them. I was not surprised when no one answered. Out back were two graves. One was their potbelly pig, Porky. The other was Mrs. Johnson. Mr. Johnson hand made the crosses for their graves. I found the children were in their beds. Mr. Johnson used a silencer. I thought I had seen too much before this. But I’ll never be able to erase the sight of the Johnson girl from my mind. That sweet intelligent child lying in her bed angelically, as if she were just napping, with that ugly tattletale hole in her forehead. I’ll never again hear her say, “Ms. Oaktree, I’m taller than you.” To which I always replied, “Honey, most people are taller than me.” Her younger brother was in his bed as well. Mr. Johnson had laid himself on his bed before he put the end of the silencer in his mouth. He left a note taped to the dresser mirror asking for forgiveness. I picked up the gun with the silencer attached and the box of ammo from the dresser and took these items with me. I don’t know why I did. I put the Johnson gun up with my own little thirty-two in the house I no longer need make mortgage payments on. Money, currency, those words are meaningless now. Andy and I decided to live in my house for now because it’s smaller and has it’s own well. It’s not attached to city water or sewer. We toted his generator over as a backup to my windmill and solar panels. The fact that it wasn’t dependent upon public utilities was a major selling point for me. We’ve begun scavenging for the things we need. It feels weird entering what was once someone’s home. The family photos on mantels, walls, and tables; the occasional body or two on the sofa, bed or floor. One couple obviously died together in their bed. In the independent homes like my own, I turn off left on lights, TVs, family movies on continuous play. I turn them off even though there’s no one left to complain.

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

Andy had been looking at me sideways and brooding off by himself for a couple of days. Sideways with his eyebrows knit together, I can’t describe the look adequately. When I asked him, “What?” he would just grumble to himself and shut himself in his room. Yes, I was still holding out. For what, I don’t know. Maybe the self-imposed celibacy was a defense mechanism. Most guys go away when you don’t put out right away. Least wise the ones who aren’t going to try to beat it out of you go away. Then word gets out that you don’t put out and nobody asks you out anymore. Except, for maybe the ones who don’t have any qualms about beating it out of you. But I guess Andy couldn’t take it anymore. He begged and said he needed me. Not that I believed the needing me part. I just couldn’t think of a good reason to continue to say no. He was a little rough, but that didn’t bother me. I have a few fingertip bruises here and there. He’s mad at himself about it. Shoot, my body needed it just as badly as his. I expected a lot of questions about my scars and stretch marks, but he didn’t ask any. Most of my scars are on my back; cigarette burns and whip marks from an extension cord. He traced my scars lightly with his fingertips and kissed them. Then he held me and cried. He said he was sorry repeatedly. Murmured that he had wanted our first time to be romantic. Mumbled that I shouldn’t have suffered so much as a child. I comforted him as best I could. I’m really not good at such things. I told him it didn’t matter now because I have him, and I meant it. He trembles slightly in his sleep.

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

It’s only been a few days since Andy and I began sleeping together. I know it had been several years for me. But for Andy, he had just broken up with a girlfriend of two years about a month before he met me. He said she was a “Barbie Girl, all plastic and maintenance.” I am so the opposite of that. Nearly all my clothing is sensible and career related. Make-up? My philosophy on make-up is it’s not something you put on everyday like clean underwear, special occasions only. And if it takes longer than fifteen minutes to fix your face, it’s broke and can’t be fixed. Basically, the same rules apply for my wavy mass of black hair. I like it clean and out of my way. Andy said he knew I was the one from our first lunch together in the teacher’s lounge with Ms. Visci. I think that’s ridiculous, but I didn’t say it out loud (smart me). The trembling in his sleep seems to be worsening. I’m worried.

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

Why is life never fair? Andy trembles nearly twenty-four hours a day and has no appetite. The only time he sleeps peacefully is right after we’re intimate, and then only for a couple of hours. If I catch him immediately upon waking, I can get him to eat and drink. Then he just wants to be intimate again. He’s wearing me out. Plus, he’s running a mild fever. We’re both exhausted.

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

I buried Andy yesterday.

TODAYS THOUGHTS

I was wandering around crying silently, as if there was anybody to hear me. I was contemplating suicide; hadn’t considered suicide since my teens as a means of escape. When I noticed a small child sitting on the front steps of a little house. She was very dirty. But with the way small children get dirty, it’s hard to tell if it was one day’s dirt or several days. She speaks very well for a toddler and is completely potty trained. Good thing since I don’t know anything about potty training. She was able to tell me her name is Mia, she’s two and her birthday is Christmas. She couldn’t tell me her parents’ names and I didn’t feel like searching the house for information. The details don’t matter now anyway. She told me her Daddy died and Mommy won’t wake up. I told her everything would be fine because I would take care of her now. Stopped at a store on the way home and picked her out some clothes. Mia picked out a few toys. I enjoyed giving her a bath and listening to her sing. She has big almost black brown eyes like my own and her hair is jet black and arrow straight. She’s definitely of mixed race like myself. But what races, I’m not sure. Perhaps something similar to myself: Native American with a little of this and a little of that. The number of nursery rhymes and children’s songs I know surprises me. Mia asked if I was her mama now since I do everything for her like her Mommy did. I told her, “Yes,” so she calls me Mama now. I’ve been nauseous the past couple of days. I pray to God that I haven’t contracted the virus. Not now, Mia needs me.

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

It dawned on me that my cycle is past due. So we walked to the pharmacy and I picked out a couple of pregnancy tests. The results were positive. I’m not sure how to feel about it. Mia’s excited. She’s lonely for the company of other children. I wouldn’t mind an adult conversation myself.

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

I’ve decided to take Mia and leave. I’m not sure where we’re going exactly, but there’s nothing for us here. I already had baskets attached to my bike for toting my manuals back and forth to school. At the bike shop I found a child seat I’ve attached to my bike plus a lightweight cart I’ve attached to the back. With the cart attached I won’t be using the kickstand. I’m trying to pack as light as possible. But 2-liter jugs of water are heavy, so I’m only taking two plus two water bottles. The gas stations and stores around here still have plenty of bottled water as well as soda pop. I’m hoping it will be the same as we travel. I think the hardest part will be providing decent meals; even though, I’ve become a wiz with spam. Mia often asks for hot dogs and bologna. I’ve found a canned product that she accepts as a substitute. I’ve decided to take the guns, just in case. Our town went out quietly, but I know others didn’t. I found a couple of nice holsters in the gun shop. I don’t think a shotgun and extra ammo can hurt. Better safe than sorry.

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

We’ve made it to the city just Northeast of town. I’ve decided on Washington, DC. I’m curious to see what kind of information the government had that didn’t get shared with the public. This city didn’t go quietly. There are broken storefront windows, burned out buildings, and even a couple of bodies with tattle-tail holes. Locating a market with bottled water and canned soup wasn’t hard. If any people survived here, I haven’t seen them. But it’s a big city; there may be survivors somewhere. We do have company though. A dog came trotting up to us shortly after we arrived. She’s a little on the thin side, but has a pleasant disposition. Mia is delighted with our new companion and has named her Puppy. A full-grown Rhotweiler named Puppy, but Puppy doesn’t seem to mind.

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

We’ve made it to Washington DC. We’re sleeping in the White House. The first few days of travel were the hardest. I would wake up stiff and sore from biking all day. Puppy kept up nicely. She’s thickened up since she’s been with us, easier to get to eat when you have some one to open doors and cans for you. Along the way I saw a rat here and there, a couple of rabbits one day and a deer another day. It gives me hope. Most vegetation has survived as well. I had a terrible scare yesterday after we got here. I was coming up the steps with Mia on my hip, it’s faster that way; when a man came running around from the side of the building. I pulled a gun on him. He put his hands in the air and grinned at us like a crazed Cheshire cat. Apparently, when he heard my footsteps and voice, he got excited. He was afraid he was the only person left. His name is Ben, but for all I know he’s some kind of serial killer or wacko. I pushed a dresser in front of our bedroom door just in case. Mia and Puppy like him, but what do dogs and children know? He’s tall, a little taller than Andy, with a thin build, blond hair and blue eyes. He says he’s been here about three days. I’m leery of him. No bad vibes or anything like that, just my usual unease around strangers. He’s been showing me the files of information he’s been going through. The explosion was an accident during weapon testing, but our government, who was doing the virus experimentation, funded it. The Great Holier Than Thou United States of America (that no longer exist) was over there doing experiments it forbid and scolded the rest of the world from doing. And it wasn’t just one virus; there were several genetically engineered viruses. Some how, I’m not surprised.

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

Ben has a lot more education than myself. There’s a lot of medical jargon in the files. I find myself getting lost trying to read the information. Ben has to translate for me and then I feel stupid for asking; even though, he seems delighted to translate for me. Until I know him better, I don’t know if that’s true delight or not. He slips in little personal questions under my radar and I answer and feel stupid again for being so open with someone who’s still a stranger. But it seems we have a new companion. Ben wants us to travel with him. He’s headed to North Carolina. He says his parents had an estate built in the mountains near the Cherokee Reservation. Estate… Apparently, Ben comes from money. Only people with money own estates. Yet he seems like a nice guy. He says they built it to be an independent home: solar panels and windmills to provide power and running water. He says that if he knows his parents, every cabinet and shelf is full. He wonders how many of the animals, mainly the Buffalo herd, survived, if any.

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

We’ve made it to Ben’s parents’ estate. We have neighbors. About half of the people on the Cherokee Reservation never became ill like Ben, Mia and myself. Quite a few animals in the area too, a mosquito landed on my arm and I just stared at it. Lord forbid, I swat and kill the last mosquito. Ben asked about my daily nausea and frequent need to pee on the way here. So, I just told him, “It’s morning sickness. I’m pregnant.” He didn’t seem surprised, but relieved. Mia has decided he’s her new daddy and Ben doesn’t mind. He had a daughter who would have been twelve this year. My son, wherever he was, would have been seventeen. Yes, I assume the worst. I just hope he was loved and well cared for by his adoptive parents.

We found Ben’s parents sitting together in the family room with glasses of wine on the coffee table and two empty bottles of sleeping pills. An extremely large sheet of plastic had been draped over the sofa and covered a good deal of floor in front of the sofa, so nothing that oozed from their decaying bodies would soil said sofa and floor. So much thought put into the act of dying. They watched digital home movies and left a digital video message on the coffee table for Ben. They were both sick and knew they were dying. They didn’t want to suffer and prayed that Ben, his brother, Tom, his sister, Marsha and all the grandchildren would survive. We buried them with the assistance of a friend of Ben’s from the reservation he met in college, George and his wife Sarah. They have two young children a little older than Mia.

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

Ben has offered George and Sarah one of the four other houses on the estate, the one closest to the main house. He says Mia needs other children to play with and I agree. The main house is huge. Most of it will go unused, I guess. The kitchen alone is the size of my small independent home with a walk-in-freezer stocked full of frozen meats, mostly Buffalo, and Ben is an excellent cook. On the first floor besides the huge kitchen is a formal dining, formal living, family room, an office with two desk, two large guest rooms with a full bath between them, a half bath near the kitchen off the laundry/linen room and an atrium with herbs, spices, tomato and pepper plants growing in it. The second floor appears to be set up for two families in the form of two suites. In each suite there’s a master bedroom with full bath and two bedrooms with a full bath between. Situated between the two master suites is another family room, laundry/linen room, half bath and playroom. The center is open to the first floor. There’s a walk-up attic too and a system of environment friendly ponds for waste management. I’m a bit overwhelmed by the enormity of the house. I never imagined living in such a place.

Ben wants to start showing me around the property tomorrow. He’s sad. I think he was hoping to find his parents alive. I stopped hoping a long time ago. For years I hoped my mother would get clean and stop bringing home perverts. For years I hoped that when my father got out of prison, he would be the father I needed, didn’t happen. I learned the only person I could depend on was me. The only person that would save me was me. Yet it bothers me to see him sad, and I stink at comforting people. We’ve set up residence in the two guest rooms on the first floor. Ben in one room, Mia and I in the other. No, I don’t push a dresser in front of the door at night. I know Ben won’t hurt us. He’s gentle, kind and intelligent. Any man that will stand over you holding your hair out of the way consoling you while you yack into the toilet because your pregnant with another man’s baby gets my vote for Man of the Year.

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

Having George and Sarah around is comforting. George gives Ben another man to pal around with. They ride on horseback every morning to check on the livestock that survived. Surprisingly, most of it survived. They usually tote back with fresh fruit and nuts. We have groves of various fruit and nut trees. Sarah gives me a female friend to share chores and child rearing duties with. I’m the self-appointed educator for the children and Sarah assists me. My pregnancy is beginning to show. Sarah and George have assumed Ben’s the father and Ben says there’s no reason to tell them any different.

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

Trying to sleep in that big bed by myself was making me crazy. I’d been prone to climb into the twin bed with Mia. Ben brought the twin bed down from the attic for her and set it up across from the big bed I’d been attempting to sleep in until I had a bad nightmare the other night. I don’t even remember it clearly now. I’m prone to nightmares, but this one had me scared, in tears and on the edge of a panic attack. Crying is not something I’m prone to and I hate panic attacks. I checked Mia and Puppy and went to Ben’s room to check him too. I startled him awake, but he was immediately concerned with my well-being. I explained that I’d had a nightmare but didn’t explain how disturbed it left me. He pulled back the covers and told me to “hop in.” I didn’t hesitate and settled into his arms. He said if my having a nightmare was the only way he was going to get to hold me, he hoped I had more. It made me laugh. And I started it, I kissed him first.

TODAY’S THOUGHTS

Ben’s bed and bedroom are now also my bed and bedroom. His room is our room, Mommy and Daddy’s room. I think Mia may have forgotten her natural parents, which may be for the best. I think of Andy as I rest my hand on my swelling abdomen and feel a little guilty. I miss him, but I wouldn’t give up Ben and Mia for him. Is that selfish? Maybe. But when you wake up between a good man and a wonderful child who love you and a loyal dog at your feet on the bed, you have acquired yourself a family. No I didn’t get to walk down the aisle in a pretty white dress, never expected to do such a ritual. There was no ceremony of any kind. Yet I know with my whole heart and sole that I am Ben’s wife and Mia’s mommy. I’m carrying our baby and Puppy is our dog. No, my life is not perfect and I’m far from it myself, but this is close. It’s simply good to be me.