I don't appear to have a virus or cold. Although I am almost constantly stuffy from my daughter's cat. But my chronic diarrhea, chronic fatigue, depression, sadness, exhaustion, lightheadedness and dizziness must be caused by something. I know I'm lonely. The only family I have here is my daughter. And while she loves me unconditionally, she's not a companion. I look after her.
It is a fact that human beings need love. Love is a human need. It's why we seek out companionship. But when infants are not love loved, they fail to thrive and often die. Same with the very elderly, without love their health fails faster and they die.
So what happens to an adult who is starving in this fashion?
I think I'm starving. Not for food, but for love. I think I'm suffering from love deprivation. I've been alone for a long time. Not by choice, but because I have been unable to find a companion to spend my life with. And I've looked and searched, but problems I have no control over get in the way.
I am interracial and I currently live in a state where the predominant religion frowns on interracial relationships. Except I have no choice in this area. Being an interracial person means all my relationships are interracial. And men are less likely to step outside of the box in this area than women. As a woman, I can honestly say I am more likely to follow my heart and be less logical in this area.
But my interracialness isn't the only problem. Our media paints a very narrow view of what is a lovable woman and very little of it is based on intelligence and personality. It pretty much centers on physical attributes, long legs, fair skin, light eyes, skinny, none of which are me. No check mark on any of those for me.
And I certainly can't control what someone else's family finds acceptable. Mother's usually hate me. I am almost never good enough for their baby boy. There's nothing like watching someone you love and you know loves you marry someone else because his family will not accept you because you are part black, or part white or part Native. Then there are his own preconceived notions of what his wife should look like getting in the way. Notions that were shaped by his family, his friends and our beloved media.
He had it in his head that his wife must be a natural blond. It didn't help that his mother wouldn't allow that little nigger girl in the house. He didn't let that stop him from seeing me at first. But your family, especially your mother is a strong influence on you. So eventually he pulled away from me and married a natural blond that his mother approved of. Last time I saw him they had been married for several years and had like four kids, but he was not happy. He looked at his natural blond wife with disgust. He looked at me with anger, as if it was all my fault he was unhappy because I wasn't at least a white girl his mother would accept and for not being that natural blond he had set in his mind as that's what he had to marry.
I understand why some women stay in abusive relationships. Because between the beatings and yelling there are moments where he is loving. And they live for those moments when he is loving. I can't live like that, but some women manage with it even though no one should have to go through that.
So when I look in the mirror I see a woman the woman the world insist is unlovable. Unlovable for reasons that I cannot change and wouldn't change if I could. I am kind and I am caring. I am down to earth and I am not flippant, nor flamboyant. I'm not shallow nor selfish. I am slow to anger and quick to forgive. And what's wrong with being petite and curvy?
But the fact remains that I am alone and suffering from love deprivation. Will it kill me??? Perhaps... There are days when I am just tired of suffering and I am overwhelmed by all the burdens I carry alone and frustrated to be stuck in a world that keeps punishing me for being me.
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