Unfriended

I have a Facebook page that I use to keep in touch with family and friends who are spread all across the country. And I am open to being friends with anyone in any part of the world. But I will not be harassed or belittled. And I think in the years I've had my Facebook page I have only unfriended someone a couple of times. Once it was someone obviously trying to scam me out of money. And once I had to block a man who was having trouble taking no for an answer. And being a person that finds writing helps me process and deal with things that are taking place in my life, that's what I'm doing.

I just unfriended another female over a disagreement on the Confederate flag. Okay, I didn't expect her to understand my take on it completely. I'm a person of color and she's not. I'm sure she's never been called a nigger nor been told to go back to her reservation. Yes I have Native blood and I am in no way ashamed of my mixed heritage. But I wasn't born on a reservation, just a nicer term for internment camp. And the times I've been called nigger during my life are too numerous to count. We all have our trials to endure and I do my best to endure mine with my head held high.

But this is what this woman said to me, "No the point is would you tear down the statue of liberty for something that gets started in present day or is it something historic to keep for all time...we'll recent times have destroyed the true meaning of that flag to the point people are willing to tare it down... That is my point... It was a battle flag not a flag for slavery...not everyone fighting for the south in the civil was was for slavery... A ton of southerners helped the enslaved get free." So she basically accused me of trying to destroy our country because I see the Confederate flag as a symbol of racism and oppression. And she refused to acknowledge any of my reasons as valid and talked down to me like I'm an ignorant child and she's going to school me. She kept insisting it's just a battle flag and has nothing to do with racism which is total bullshit.


But she's entitled to her opinion as I am entitled to mine. And I am entitled to have my opinion without my beliefs be attacked, without being accused of trying to destroy our country, without being talked down to like an ignorant child and with just a little common courtesy and respect. I thought we would come to agree to disagree. But as she continued to attack me, I quickly realized that wasn't going to happen. And her statement up there that I copied and pasted was the last straw for me. I unfriended her and wished her a nice life.


Do I know it all? Hell no. I do my best to be open minded and grow a little more everyday. Do I know the complete history of the Confederate flag backwards, forwards and sideways? No. But it was obvious she didn't either. But I am not a child and I will not be talked to like one. My life experiences are not all pretty, but they are mine. I have not led a privileged sheltered life and I am grateful for that. It has made me a strong, independent woman and I don't need a friend like her. And all my love and gratitude to my true friends who stand by me even when I am being a little thick. It does happen occasionally.

Desperately Seeking My Genius

I had a close trusted friend tell me once that the man that chooses to marry and spend his life with me will be a genius. I am like most women in many ways. When I look at myself, I have a hard time seeing past my flaws. And I understand that most men are very visual, and will never be able to get past my exterior flaws to the good loving person that I have inside my heart.

And as a woman, I have to admit that I can be very visual sometimes too. I have turn ons and turn offs just like everybody else. But as a woman, I have found that I can ignore and over look things that would normally turn me off in favor of good personality traits. But I don't think most men are able to do that. Or from my personal experience, most don't seem to be able to do that.

So my most recent dumbest venture is to have signed up for an online dating site a couple of months ago. And I am so discouraged I am ready to close my account.

I don't know what men are thinking. I've made what I'm looking for very clear in my profile and that I absolutely am NOT looking for any casual hanky-panky. Yet I keep getting contacted by creepy-creeps that say the most awful things to me. I don't even bother to respond. I simply block them. And somewhere I am sure there is a mother that is sure she raised a very nice guy, but she has absolutely failed. That not so nice guy has contacted me with nothing but lewd, disgusting suggestions. And there seems to be no shortage of them. They're as numerous as cockroaches. And how in the hell is sending a woman you've never met a picture of your penis a romantic gesture?

Then besides the lewd ones are the shallow ones that asks me if I'm pretty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What one person may find beautiful another may find ugly. My answer to that question is that I'm butt ugly and he shouldn't waste his time talking to me, move along. Or they ask if I'm very obese. To which I'll answer, yes. I'll tell them I'm morbidly obese. Don't waste your time talking to me, move along.

I'm no supermodel and I don't try to pretend I am. What you see is what you get. I'm not a girlie-girl. I'm a hard worker and I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty. And if there's a way for me to work smarter instead of harder, I will go that route. I like big trucks, fast muscle cars and loud motorcycles. But I don't care for facial hair and since I do short just fine all by myself, I tend to prefer tall.

I just wish my friend could point me in the right direction to find my genius. I'm afraid he's not out there. And I'm not one to settle for a lying, cheating, scum bag and put up with him. That just ain't me. I'm too valuable to put up with a game playing little boy who's afraid to grow up and be a responsible human being. Keep chasing your bones dogs. This steak is being saved for a man.

And Then There Were Two

We received a couple of packages the other day from my mother in Ohio. The one with my name on it was partly torn open so I went ahead and opened it. I rarely receive anything from my mother. She usually just sends things for my daughter, Cherokee. So even though pink isn't my favorite color, I was quite pleased with the set of flannel pajamas. I hate to be cold and I like to be comfy and a set of warm and comfy pajamas is a delight to me. And for a few minutes, I thought better of my mother who has often gone out of her way to make my life more difficult with attempts to flat out ruin my whole life.

The second package was for my daughter and I sat it under the table our Charlie sits on. Charlie is what we call our little tree in honor of Charlie Brown's little Christmas tree. It's small and without decorations doesn't look like much. But after I decorate him, I'm always pleased with how wonderfully bright and hopeful he looks. In the past, I have happily shared pictures of him on my Facebook page.

I went downstairs to get a shower, because I had just gotten off of work before I made my stop at the post office after work to discover we had received packages. I washed and dried my new pajamas and took them fresh and warm from the drier after my shower. Then I took a nap.

I got up from my nap feeling pretty good. And as I brushed my teeth, my daughter called down to me that she had opened the package my mother had sent. I didn't expect her to leave it until Christmas, she's just not patient like that. And it turns out it wasn't meant to be saved for Christmas. It was a Christmas care package of a sort and it contained a small purple tree that's just a little taller than Charlie. We decided to call her Violet and set her up on the table with Charlie so Charlie now has a girlfriend. I was quite pleased. Purple's my favorite color and I wouldn't have picked out a purple tree for us because that's too commercial for my taste, but I like Violet and I think she looks cute with Charlie.

Then my daughter handed me the card my mother had included because it was in cursive and reading cursive gives her trouble. So I read it out loud to her and quickly went from happy and pleased to frustrated and angry. The letter my mother had written inside the card for my daughter went on about how she new we never had a Christmas tree and how selfish I was and whomp, whomp, whomp, lie, lie, lie.

My daughter blew it off. She won't hesitate to tell you that Granma is crazy. For years I didn't bother speaking with my mother because I'd had enough of her craziness and lies long ago. So from about 4 or 5 until she was in her teens, my daughter had no contact with my mother. And the first thing my daughter said after her first phone conversation with my mother in her teens is "Granma is crazy." My daughter has Asberger's Syndrome, a form of Autism, but she's not stupid in the least.

Me? I don't think it's crazy so much as the woman is just flat out mean, evil and hateful. And for some reason she doesn't believe I have a right to a life that's any better than hers was. What kind of parent doesn't want better for their child? I don't deserve my hair, my skin, my eyes, my children and above all, I don't deserve to have a good solid loving relationship with a man because she never had one.

When it comes to men, the woman is a shit magnet. And she's left me with such a strong distrust of men that I have a hard time letting anyone get close. And most men don't have the patience necessary to give me the time I need to get comfortable and warm up to them. And when I do finally warm up to someone, he finds that I am so damaged that he doesn't want to risk having a relationship with me. They're afraid I may have a violent temper when as long as you don't cheat on me and are as faithful to me as I'm being to you, you're not in danger of losing any body parts. Don't try to beat me and I won't kill you while you sleep. Treat me like a queen and create heaven on earth for me and I will be your angel. That's not too much to ask, is it?

So my mother's lying letter dredge up a lot of negative emotions and unhappy memories for me. And my daughter blew it off. I wish I could blow it off just as easily. I just wish my mother would learn that if you're going to tell someone a lie, you should make sure they don't know the truth first. And now we have two Christmas trees. And the tote she sent the second tree in is big enough for both trees to be stored in, which is cool because I was thinking I needed something better than the old cardboard box I've been putting Charlie away in for years.

Surviving Winter

Winter is tough enough without all the holidays and people running around helter skelter trying to create the perfect whatever holiday they think they're celebrating. Around here that's mostly Christmas which is actually a pagan holiday that has nothing to do with the birth of Christ which didn't even occur at this time of year. And on a What would Jesus do scale of 1-10 when it comes to celebrating Christmas, Jesus probably wouldn't do it. Jesus would probably give it a big fat zero on things that should be done.

Jesus was all about the service he could provide to his fellow human beings. He was a man who was not above washing the feet of his desciples. He was a man who fed the poor and the hungry without asking why they were poor and hungry, nor did he blame them for being poor and hungry. They were hungry so he fed them. He did not seek glory for himself. He was not a glory hound. I think at this time of year, he cries more than I do over the greed and selfishness there is upon the Earth, at how little charity and love some people have in their hearts. I hate to say it but there seems to be no shortage of people that are totally devoid of love and charity in their hearts.

I get extra grumpy at this time of year. It's cold and I hate to be cold. Staying warm and cozy can be a challenge. And I miss my family, especially my son who's currently living back home in Ohio. I know everyone thinks I'm a big scrooge and I don't have any Christmas spirit. Sometimes it seems to me that I am one of the very few that truly understands what it's supposed to be about.

Our little Charlie Brown Christmas tree is a whole two feet tall with the star on top, and that's okay. What's the point in having a big fancy tree? To show off your wealth? Do you think whoever is at the pearly gates checking people in can be bribed? Does it matter after you're dead that you decorated your house bigger and better than your next door neighbor?

What matters to me is I'll spend the holiday with my daughter. We have a roof over our head and we're not freezing to death. Our Christmas dinner won't be fancy, but we'll still eat well. The electric heaters in the basement where our bedrooms are located are doing much better at keeping us warm this winter than the central heat did last winter. I'm not as frustrated as last winter because I'm not wasting money on a heat source that doesn't keep us warm. I miss my son but we'll talk on the phone.

Except I'm still sad because I want to help others that are less fortunate than us, but we are barely getting by because I'm under employed. And I'm sad that there are people out there that are less fortunate than us. But I'm just one little brown woman and there's so much to be done and not enough me to do it all.

I wish more people were like my son. He'll be thirty next February, but mentally he's more like twelve. But his heart is over flowing with love and charity for everyone he meets. I wish everyone's heart was so full of love and charity. I wish mine was that full of love and charity, but I'm working on it. Even if it's something as simple as I smile at someone with a grumpy face or who refuses to make eye contact with me because they're sure I'm the devil.

I don't need to hear I'm sorry when people learn that both of my children are disabled. Why do people say that? I'm not sorry. I love them just the way they are. So they're not perfect. Nobody is. And they are perfect the way it matters most. They have perfect loving, caring hearts that are full of charity for everyone they meet.

So we're surviving winter. No we're not doing it perfectly. There won't be big impressive presents under the tree. My wreath hanger still doesn't have a wreath to hang on the front door, they're too expensive. But I'm creative. Eventually I'll manage to hodgepodge something together that I can hang out there. And I'll help out others where and when I am able when the opportunities present themselves, even if it's just a smile for someone who thinks they don't need it or want it.

May peace, joy, love and charity over flow from your heart into the world and make it a better place. And the nice part about that is you don't have to be religious for that to happen.

Holidays

This time of year with all it's many holidays is a depressing time of year for me. I find people's sudden generosity curious. Why can't everyone be generous all year round? People are suffering and starving all year round. People get all bent out of shape about taking the Christ out of Christmas when Christmas isn't even a Christian holiday. It's a Pagan holiday that celebrates the winter solstice. If you were paying attention in Bible Study and take a look at the events that were taking place around the time of Jesus' birth, none of the events taking place were occurring in December. None of that was even happening in winter.

It burns my toast that so many people follow so blindly without question because that's what their parents and grandparents did. My mother did a lot of drugs when she was young. Should I have done them too? My mother's father and her bothers were drunks. Should I be a drunk too? I'm just saying; hey, pay attention and think for yourself.

Christmas has become so commercialized it's lost its true meaning. We have generations of Americans that believe you show your love by buying stuff. Mommy and Daddy love me so they're buying me a car for my sixteenth birthday. As if a sixteen year old is capable of appreciating such a gift.

You know what I appreciate? The fact that everything didn't get handed to me. I appreciate that I learned to work hard, take care of myself and be independent. No sense of entitlement lives here. I bought my first car myself. And because I earned it myself, I appreciated having it.

And my daughter feels the dinner I made for the two of us today is lovely. It's just the two of us so there's not a big turkey. She doesn't like turkey anyway. We do have a small two pound turkey loaf. More than enough for the two of us. Since she doesn't care for turkey, I baked two lemon pepper chicken breasts. I made one of her favorites, a big pot of cabbage soup. And I fried potatoes, made stuffing and gravy. And there's a pumpkin cream pie in the freezer for desert that she's complaining about because she doesn't like pumpkin pie. But it's a cream pie so I think she's going to like it. If she doesn't, more for me :)

Made It Through Summer

Yeah! We made it through the summer without turning on the central air once. Lord knows we could not afford to cough up $200+ a month to keep things cool. We survive with screens I bought to hang in the doors and fans to keep the air circulating. The fans only added an extra $10-$20 a month to the normal electric bill which was way better than an extra couple hundred dollars we could not afford.

Despite Cherokee's protest and belief we would either melt or die of heat stroke, we were fine. She grumbled occasionally through the summer. But she always finds something to grumble about. She's like her father that way. I swear the man has Terminal PMS. I'm more of a suffer in silence person. So if I'm saying something about it, the shit is hitting the fan. Duck! And I don't like to argue. So if I'm arguing with you, I'm positive I'm correct and most of the time I am correct. Which is really frustrating because nobody ever listens to me.

And the challenge now? WINTER! Arg. I am not a fan of being cold. I hate being cold. I'll shovel snow because it has to be done. But you're not going to catch me out in the freezing cold, freezing my precious assets off participating in some crazy white people's sport like skiing or ice skating. My idea of a proper winter activity is curling up in front of a warm fire with some hot coco and a good book. If I need exercise, I'll invite someone special to join me by that fire and we can wrestle. Totally a win,win situation.

So if you haven't guessed it. I'm not looking forward to winter. I discovered last winter I'll spend over $200 a month trying to keep us warm in this rental and it never got warm downstairs where our bedrooms are. Old aluminum window, basement bedrooms and improperly placed heat vents makes it impossible to keep downstairs warm in the winter with the central heat system. I had a couple of space heaters that I used down there and that helped. But I still often found myself shaking like a leaf in the middle of the night with my teeth chattering from the cold. Not fun and it makes for an exhausted lady at work when you didn't sleep properly because you were shivering and shaking all night.

The plan for this winter? Make it through the winter without turning on the central heat. It's not going to heat the downstairs anyway where we sleep. And at first I wasn't sure what to do. Moving is not an option. I just don't have the money to move at this time and I can barely afford this place. I cannot afford a nicer place. And I was checking out the electric heaters at work one day trying to figure out which would be the best for downstairs. One, it had to be one I could afford, be on the small side and capable of heating most of the downstairs which consist of two small bedrooms, a small full bath, a short hall and a small laundry area. I'm not worried about trying to heat upstairs because hot air rises. It'll be fine.

I had no idea which heater to purchase to add to the space heater I already owned. So I decided to ask a coworker for that department if she had any recommendations and I explained the situation to her. She asked if I had considered purchasing some electric blankets. Thank you, Amber. You're an angel. I had not considered electric blankets. We had one old yellow electric blanket in the house when I was a kid and my mother wouldn't let us use it and I never saw it get used. My mother acted like the thing was the devil. Which it couldn't be because that's her job.

Wow, electric blankets are not cheap. And I wanted my daughter and I to each have a nice one. Besides, if Cherokee didn't like the texture, she wouldn't use it and I would have wasted money. I don't like to waste money and we don't have money to waste. So I started shopping around and I didn't like what was available at Walmart and stuff. Plus, I would have needed to shell out a chunk of money all at once that we couldn't afford.

So thank you Fingerhut. I found an electric blanket that I was sure Cherokee would love and I was able to get two. They're not cheap blankets. But my Fingerhut account allowed me two get two very nice electric blankets that I have a small monthly payment for that I can manage comfortably. And I really like my new electric blanket. It has 10 heat settings. 1 being the lowest and ten being the hottest. Thus far I have't needed to turn my blanket on any higher than two. If I shut my bedroom door, not only does it keep me nice and cozy, it heats up my whole room.

It's not super cold and snowy yet, but so far so good. Yes, I'm going to have a higher electric bill. But at this point I'm not expecting the electric bill to get any worse than last winter. Plus, my gas bill isn't going to jump because I'm not going to run the central heat. We'll take it one day at a time and see how it goes.

Frustrated Farmer Wanna Be

I hate being frustrated. I want to have enough acreage that I can't see any of my neighbors. I am sick and tired of having people up under me constantly. I had bought a little grill for our little deck so I could cook outside this summer and not heat up the house. Except the back of my unit faces the backs of other units and they're barely 10 ft away. I don't dislike my neighbors but I'm not a social flutterby. If I step out onto my little deck to do a little grilling, I'm fine with saying the basic greetings, but I'm not interested in having a conversation 90 % of the time. I just want to step out and cook undisturbed.

So I've been doing some research because if I could get the land that I wanted I should do something with it, right? And I decided I would like to grow some various small groves of fruit and nut trees, lemons, limes, pecans and such. Maybe some free range chickens and a few goats too. And I learned there are grants out there for beginning farmers and women who want to farm. Except, I can't seem to find where they're hiding what I need to get started with my new dream.

It's mind boggling. It's like they don't want anyone to take advantage of the available grants, so they hid them. Not to mention I don't really have any grant writing experience. Why does it have to be so hard? No wonder no one wants to be a farmer. It's too damn complicated. And here I am, a single mom with two special needs kids, a special needs younger brother and my own mother is several cards short of a full deck so I carry a lot on my shoulders as it is and I can't seem to figure this out.

But I haven't given up yet. I'm trying to find what I need to make this happen. In the mean time as I torture myself trying to figure this out, I keep praying I'll win how ever much a week for life from Publishers Clearing House. There's no lottery here in Utah so that's my only hope. That and Obi-Wan Kenobi. May the force be with me.