Crazy Idiot

I am currently sitting in my apartment at Orchard Cove in Roy looking like a crazy nut job and my loving daughter has declared me an idiot.

I have a job interview tomorrow that I am very anxious about because I really want the job. But having lost my job with Convergys, all we have coming in is Cherokee's SSI and my unemployment for now. Which means there's no extra money for me to go blow on my hair and a facial to help take the edge off my nervousness because I want to look my best on top of exude confidence and competence.

I know I can do the job, but they don't know that yet. And if there's some aspect of the job I don't know how to do, I can learn it as long as it doesn't involve me trying to sell stuff to people they don't want and can't afford.

So I decided to give myself a hot oil treatment. Except I didn't go out and by any special product for that. I have extra virgin olive oil in the kitchen. I warmed some of that up in the microwave, applied it to my hair and covered it with a cheap silver conditioning cap. Cherokee came into the kitchen as I was putting the warm oil on my hair. She said it's food and therefore should not be put on one's hair and thus dubbed me an idiot.

I tried to explain it's oil and it will work just as well as any of those little expensive tubes that say hot oil treatment, but she didn't believe me so I'm still an idiot.

So I'm sitting here with extra virgin olive oil in my hair, covered by a silver conditioning cap that looks as if I'm trying to keep space aliens from reading my mind. Plus, I have a pore strip across my nose. If aliens did suddenly appear in my living room, they would probably be frighten into never returning to Earth. Good thing I don't have a boyfriend because I am so not sexy right now, just crazy looking.

Wish me luck on my interview and keep us in your prayers.

Exhaustion

Exhaustion basically comes in three forms: mental, emotional and physical. My current state of exhaustion is mostly mental and emotional. I'm having trouble keeping up with myself. Go here do this. Go there do that. Take this phone call. Make that phone call. Run back home. Run back out. Follow up on this job lead. Follow up on that job lead. Put in an application here. Put in an application there. Check out this housing project. Check that housing project. Apply some more!

I'm beginning to think living under a bridge may not be such a bad idea. I'm totally ready to reject society. It's not like I'm a full fledged participating member of society anyway. I have a tendency to keep to myself. And in an apartment complex like this, there's a lot of turn over. I think it's the wall to wall carpet. I hate wall to wall carpet. It holds odors and germs. It's cheap and disgusting, yuck.

But it doesn't look like we have a lot of choices right now. And I hate the idea of my washer and drier sitting in storage somewhere going unused for a year or more if we get stuck in a housing project. Their apartments don't have washer and drier hook-ups. That's such a waist of money. I'll have to pay for storage and put money into machines every night to wash and dry Cherokee's clothes. And it'll be me that will end up running over to the laundry room for her every night. Can't have her running outside wrapped in a couple of towels to wash clothes because she won't wear anything she's not comfortable in.

Going to try to take it easy for the weekend. Hoping and praying a job I really want comes through for me. Before I have to move into a housing project.

Leprosy

I seem to have developed leprosy again. It happened after my mom tried to kill me. No one wanted me nor my children around. They stopped taking my phone calls, stopped returning them and asked us to stay away because they were afraid my mother would come after them for being friends with me. Even my church asked me not to come anymore for fear she would show up and kill me on church property which would bring bad publicity to  the church and someone else may get hurt while she was killing me. I understood. I wished I could run and hide from myself at that time too.

But it still hurt to have people you've known most of your life turn their back on you when you didn't do a thing wrong. I hadn't tried to harm anyone. My children have never harmed anyone else. But neighbors didn't want their children playing with mine. Yet I think it was the church's reaction that hurt me the most. I'm not angry. I understand. But it still hurts. To have bad publicity mentioned as one of their reasons for me to stay away, I think the missionaries who found me and baptised me would be ashamed. I often wonder what became of Peter and Troy. But I've had so many struggles and trials, I didn't manage to keep in touch with them.

But I seem to have contracted leprosy again. I spent today calling and leaving messages for anyone I thought may have some kind of experience that could help us. As of yet, no one has returned my calls. I find that in these situations, people tell themselves that someone else will help. Problem is, everyone is thinking that someone else will help and then no one helps. Our first instinct is to protect ourselves and I understand that. It just makes me sad. I hate finding myself alone with no one willing to help because they're too scared. It's why I hate crowds.

You can be out in public in a big crowd of people in broad daylight and be no safer than if you were alone in a dark alley. I'll take the dark alley thank you. In the dark alley I might find a place to hide. Out in that crowd in broad daylight, you can be raped and/or murdered and no one will stop to help. They'll just keep on walking, pretending they don't see and telling themselves, someone else will help.

It's been my experience that no one stops to help. As they take away the body, people always asks, why didn't anyone help? Self preservation, it's our instinct to protect ourselves first. It's why we're astounded when someone goes above and beyond to help a total stranger because it goes against that instinct to protect ourselves. It's a hard instinct to fight and most of us obey it. I've certainly obeyed it. Not proud of that but it's the truth. I froze and didn't try to help. I knew what to do, but just couldn't make myself do it.

Or maybe it's just Monday and everyone was just too busy to get back to me. I think yesterday was Easter. But I don't have the time or the money to waste on holidays right now. Easter Bunny didn't find us. It's not the first time. Santa has passed us by before too. There's no rest for the weary and I'm not getting any rest. I'll try not to torture myself like last night and take a pill tonight since I still have some. Too bad there's less than a half a bottle left. The pill helps me fall to sleep but it doesn't keep me asleep. So I'll probably only sleep for two hours, then I'll be back up. So if you find yourself sleepless, don't be afraid to give me a call.

Today's Task

Today we got to drive around and check out different subsidized housing projects. I like to drive but this was not an enjoyable drive especially since we weren't going anywhere Cherokee would like to go like the library. Yes, to Cherokee, a trip to the library is an exciting thing she really loves and enjoys. That's about as much excitement as she can take without being overwhelmed. And she admitted she is overwhelmed by this whole experience. 

But I needed her with me as I drove from project to project because she notices things I don't sometimes. She likes to eat so she notices if there's a grocery store within walking distance. She doesn't drive so if I'm too sick to drive, she may need to walk to the grocery store on her own. It has happened at least once. I learned the hard way with that one to be careful how I word things with her. She asked about if she came across something she really wanted, could she get it. I thought she meant grocery wise because I was sending her to the grocery store. So I said sure thinking maybe she might grab a bag of chips or something of that nature. I didn't expect her to return with hundred dollars with of DVDs.

The different housing projects we went by today seemed to be in good condition from what I could see from the outside. Of course with it being Saturday, no one was in the offices to answer questions. But I did stop a couple of residents. Seems there are no washer and drier hook-ups, something very important to us because Cherokee wears pretty much the same outfit everyday. It's an Asberger's thing. When they're comfortable with something it's hard to get them to give it up for something else. So I need a washer and drier hook-up for our washer and drier because going to the laundry every night would suck. With the washer and drier in our home, she can wash and dry her favorite outfit every night herself.

This may seem like bizarre behavior, but for someone with Asberger's it's not unusually. She had a favorite blanket when she was very small that she carried constantly. I thought she would carry it off to kindergarten. Then she got attached to a jacket of all things for a while and carried it around just like she did the blanket. She even slept with the jacket.

It's certainly never boring being the parent of special needs individuals. She does currently have a favorite blanket. But she doesn't feel the need to carry it around everywhere like when she was little. But she likes to hold it to her face as she sucks her thumb when she's overwhelmed, and she's currently doing just that as she's back in her room isolating herself to try to recover from my dragging her around from housing project to housing project. 

A couple of them I couldn't find and I'm very good with maps and directions. A couple didn't have good access to public transportation, something that's very important not just for someone with special needs like my daughter who doesn't drive. But for those of us with frequently breaking down vehicles because we can't afford a decent one and may occasionally go a couple of years with out our own vehicle.

I'm going to try to relax tomorrow since it is Sunday. But it's hard to relax. Not when I know Convergys is just waiting to stomp me into the ground and make sure we're homeless and destitute. I have no experience to help me with this and I'm expecting the worse. I wish I had never walked into that job fair day for them. I've never had a job before Convergys leave me so constantly stressed out and chink away my self-esteem a piece at a time. I've got to rebuild my life and myself from the ground up and Convergys seems determined to make it as difficult as possible.

Failure

I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle, like I should just accept the fact that I'm meant to be perpetually poor, never have a home of my own and just accept that I'm meant to sleep under a bridge and not a roof.

I spent the day trapped in the apartment with the lease that expires next month. The Exploder was in the shop all day. The last thing I need right now are car problems on top of everything else.

I wish I had my daughter's confidence in me. She's positive some way, some how I'm going to manage to pull us thru this. But I think she's wrong this time. The unemployment is $233 a week before tax. But if Convergys wins their appeal, I'll be required to pay it back. I don't know what I'm supposed to pay it back with without a job yet. I don't  even know where we'll be living after May, if we'll be living anywhere specific.

Cherokee thinks she can cope with living out of the back of the Exploder if it comes to that, but I don't think she can. If it was just me, I could cope with living out of the back of the Exploder if I had to. But my daughter doesn't deserve that. Just like the children we saw don't deserve to live in those run down smelly old apartments breathing black-moldy air as they sleep at night.

I'm such I big freaking failure. My children deserve so much better than me, but I'm what they're stuck with. I don't know why they love me. I'm certainly not worthy of their love.

My Brain Hurts.

I have come to the conclusion that there are certain things that one should not be trying to do all at once. Like trying to find a new job and a new place at the same time. To top it all off, my Exploder has developed an oil leak. And because of the way the darn thing is put together, I'm looking at about $1200 to have it fixed properly. I'll check with a couple of different shops and get the best deal I can get on it, but this is just one more thing that I didn't need right now. I've got too much on my plate as it is.

My brain feels like jello, warm goopy jello that's growing a bit of mold. If I was a person with a weaker sense of self, I'ld be drunk right now. But no, I'm sober and being a good girl when all I want to do is run away and hide from all of this. And I can't even get a decent hot shower to relax in where I live at for the moment. If we don't find something soon, I don't know where we'll be after the end of May. And I don't want to burden anyone with us.

I think that saying that the Lord doesn't give you more than you can bear is a load of crap. I cannot think of any scriptures that verifies that. I think I need to put this down. Normally this is a good way for me to vent but my head is splitting. I've survived to skull fractures and I usually have a dull headache that I'm used to living with. But this is unbearable. It's like something is trying to pry my skull open from the inside out.

Keep us in your prayers.

Silently Screaming

I feel like I've slipped off into a third world country. I've been looking at the cheapest places I can find which are technically still over our new budget and I feeling like they should pay me to live there. Carpets so nasty the sight makes you want to puke. Black mold creeping out around the edges of the bathtub. Not to mention the smell. And who the hell puts Linoleum meant for floors on walls around a bathtub? And metal sheeting instead of calk around a bathtub? A stove that is obviously broken and can't be cooked on.

These places aren't even safe for people to live in yet they're charging people $575 and $600 a month to live there. And there are small children living in these places. My daughter is twenty-one years old and I tremble at the thought we might have to live in one of these places. I don't want to have to move my child with Asberger's into one of these places that don't even make ghetto status. People should be receiving hazard pay for living there and children shouldn't be allowed to live there at all.

I try not to cry when Cherokee is home. I don't want her to be scared, but I'm scared. I don't know what else to do. I could put us on a waiting list for subsidized housing, but there's no telling how long that could take and they're not in the habit of calling you and informing you when you've been denied so you're not sitting around waiting for a call that will never come.

And aren't there any like health inspectors going around checking these places and making sure they're up to code? I'm not looking for glamorous, just safe and reasonable clean with working appliances. But apparently my expectations are too high. How dare I expect safe and clean with working appliances?

I'm in Hell and no one can hear me screaming.

Give Me a Break!

I don't know what it is about me, but I can't catch a break. Convergys is appealing the fact that I was awarded unemployment. It wasn't enough to knock me down and shove me into the dirt. You don't want me as an employee, fine. But while I'm down, they need to kick me too. Don't forget to put steal toed boots on first. You want to make sure I can't get back up. Maybe it's time I started looking for an attorney. Because I don't think this is fair. All I want to do at this point is move forward with my life.

This is why I doubt God exist. Or if He does, He doesn't like me. I can't catch a break. No matter where I go or what I do, someone or something is always getting in the way of me just providing a decent life for my family. I'm not looking for a hand out. I've never gotten unemployment before. But I do need a little help getting over the hump while I find a new job and cheaper place to live.

Crap, I just want to work, provide well for my family, do a good job at work, occasionally get recognized for my hard work and dedication, and be given the fair opportunity to move up and improve myself and my life. Is that an unreasonable expectation?

Challenges

I love being a mother and having perfectly normal children is totally over rated. When I share that both of my children are special needs, people always say crap like "Oh, I'm so sorry." Why? I'm not sorry. I love my two knuckle heads just the way they are. They are sweet, kind, loving, generous people.

Of course, it does have it's challenges. For instance, a person with Asberger's like my daughter either really loves something or she's just not interested in it. If she's just not interested in it, forget it. You can't make her do it, not without a whip and chains. So I probably have one of the only people in America that got straight A's when she took Chinese in High School while she failed everything else.

So she's in a special adult education program and she's supposed to have her HS Diploma by May 30th next month. If she screws this up and doesn't get it, I just may string her up by her toes.

My other challenge is trying to keep her happy because I live with her. I don't have to live with her. I could shove her in a home somewhere. People still do that. But I love my daughter and most of the time she's not hard to live with. She understands that we're poor. She understands that I lost my job last month and we need to find a cheaper place to live. She doesn't ask for expensive fancy clothes or shoes. But she wants to be someplace that has a pool.

I love to swim. I really do. But we need to be practical right now. A pool is a luxury we can live without. So she's just going to need to get used to the idea of not having access to one this summer. But it pains me to have to move in somewhere where she won't have access to one. She did use the pool here nearly everyday last summer. Without one all she'll do is spend the whole day on her computer reading. Let's hope we find ourselves within walking distance of a library.

Back In Utah Safe and Sound

Cherokee will be so surprised when she gets home. I didn't think I would make it home until late this evening. But I actually beat her home from school. She was so happy when I told her last night that I expected to be home by tonight. She said it's been lonely here all week without me. Apparently her cat Echo just isn't as good a conversationalist as me.

But Echo seems happy to see me. He's rolling over on the floor, showing me his belly and posing for me. You know if he was a cute guy I would rub his belly. But since he's just a cat and I'm not a cat person, he's showing off for me for nothing.

I guess Monday I'll go down to a trailer park in Clearfield that I know does pretty cheap rentals and see what they have available. It's right on a main bus route which Cherokee will like. But there's not going to be a pool like here or anything like that. It's not going to be fancy in any way. But we'll continue to have a roof over our heads and that's what's important.

Where's your Prince Charming on a white horse to save the day when you need him? Heck if he pulled up in a beat up Pinto that would be good enough.

I guess I'll stretch out here on my couch and take a nap. Someone tried to open my driver's door while I was sleeping at a Petro truck stop at 4:45am and I really didn't sleep after that. I had the Exploder running because it got bitterly cold last night. I think they thought I left it running and went inside because no one was in the front seat because I was sleeping in the back. And I would have been hard to see back there because I had some clothes hanging up over the back windows for extra privacy. And I was so cocooned up, I probably just looked like a big pile of blankets in the dark.

I'm glad to be back. I missed my girl. And I even missed Echo a little too. Maybe next year after they've had more time to recover from that flood last Sept, we can try again. I just know at the moment I'm just relieved I'm not one of the people I saw sleeping on the streets of down town Denver. They seem to have a pretty bad homeless problem. And now that I've calmed down and I'm not in panic mode from losing my job, I know we'll be alright.

Keep us in your prayers and God Bless.

Bad Timing

I just must be one of those people with perpetual bad timing jumbled in with if I didn't have bad luck, I would have no luck at all.

I came here to Thornton, CO for a job interview and I aced the interview and got sent for a drug test. I know the drug test will come back spotless. My fix for that is don't do drugs. And I won't eat anything with poppy seeds, it'll make you test positive for opium.

So all I needed to go with my new job is a new place. Except there was a flood just last September and all the 13,000 plus people who lost their homes to the flood have taken all the affordable rentals. And home owner's insurance never moves fast enough in situations like this. And if they didn't have flood as part of their home owner's insurance, then they're screwed.

What this means for me, is any rental that is available is way outside of my price range. Everything in my price range has a two to five year waiting list. So it looks like I'm going to stay put in Utah for another year. I'm still going to need to move by the end of May. We can't afford to keep our current apartment on just Cherokee's SSI and a little unemployment for me while I continue to job hunt.

Last time I lost a job in Utah, I was laid off and it took me 2 stinking years to find that crummy job at Convergys that I hated. Heavenly Parents please, don't put me through that again. So I guess what I'm hoping to do at this point is maybe with the help of the manager at the Home Depot here, I can start at a Home Depot in Utah and then in a year's time, maybe things will be more back to normal in the Thornton, CO area rental wise and I can transfer and relocate then. Sound like a plan?

If you have any better ideas, let me know. And no it can't involve me moving back to Ohio. Luv U Fred. Keep us in your prayers.

Brain Drain

I think I know why some people never relocated and stay right where they were born and raised. Trying to relocate is a booger. I'm not doing that badly at finding my way around. But finding an affordable rental is like finding a needle in a hay stack. I don't need a lot of fanciness. I'm not really expecting anything fancy at all. I just need two bedrooms and let my disabled daughter keep her dang cat. Yet I can't seem to find anything affordable. Same problem in Utah, but it's different when you're working full-time. I haven't officially been hired by Home Depot yet and when I start, I'll only be part-time to begin with. So I need something reasonable, around $500mo so we can eat too.

Dang, I so need to learn to absorb nutrients out of the air so I won't need to buy food.

I don't know how anyone can afford a place that's $1200-$1500mo, and I'm house hunting outside the city limits. My brain is on fire. But for the most part, most people have been very friendly here and most have tried to be helpful. But right now I am so discouraged.

On the brighter side, I slept in a WalMart parking lot last night. Before I bedded down for the night in the back of the Exploder, I went in and bought a couple of extra blanket and I slept very well last night. Didn't have to get up to start the Exploder for heat once. I need to find a truck stop tonight so I can get a shower.

Things you want to have with you when you're living out of your vehicle: Disinfecting/anti-bacterial wipes, toilet paper (sometimes a rest area is out), and of course you want to have things like deodorant, toothpaste, toothbrush, clean underwear. And you want to be friendly and outgoing. Keep us in your prayers.

Frustrated

I understand that there have to be rules and regulations. I get that. But when those rules and regulations get in the way of helping someone, there's a problem. I was informed yesterday that a subsidized apartment complex was taking applications for their waiting list. That I could go into their office today, fill out an application and we would be put on their list. What they didn't tell me was all adult household members needed to be present when applying.

My daughter Cherokee is at home in our apartment in Roy. Her last day of school is May 30th which also happens to be when our lease is up. But I didn't see any reason to drag her around with me and have her stuck sleeping in the back of the Exploder with me while I job and apartment hunt in Colorado.

So I was there first thing this morning when they opened there office. I stood in line for an hour to get the application. I filled it out and stood in line for two more hours to turn it back in. I missed a job interview to accomplish this. I finally was at the front handing in my paper work and they refused to take the application because Cherokee isn't with me and it's not like I can just run to the other side of town and grab her. Apparently the federal regulations for this type of HUD housing project requires all adult household members to be physically present when the application is turned in.

I'm so frustrated. I have copies of both our IDs and Social Security Card. I even brought Cherokee's birth certificate with me. I had everything they asked for accept Cherokee there in person. I'm so frustrated. They wouldn't accept our application. I wasted over 4 hours. I was there for over 4 hours to turn in that application and they wouldn't take it.

They need to rethink some of these rules and regulations. The rules and regulations shouldn't keep people from getting the help they need, when they need it.

Cold & Scared

Not much in my life ever goes smoothly. I guess most of the big life or death stuff has gone better than could be expected. I was born healthy without complications. I had healthy pregnancies with my two children and gave birth naturally both time without any pain meds.

So hear I am just outside of Denver, CO, be-bopping around trying to get to know the area before my job interview this after noon. My drive over from Utah went smoothly. Still wish the Exploder was better on gas.

I found my self in the Colorado Welcome Center/Rest Area last night. Can't afford a hotel, need to keep gas in the Exploder. It was the first time I ever saw a rest area with signs posting a limit on how long you can park there. I didn't find that very welcoming at all. Despite the lighting, it was still dark enough that I couldn't see the signs properly and I was afraid a police office was going to come along and make me move in the middle of the night. Then I found I had grabbed the wrong sleeping bag, so I had my son's old sleeping bag which is kid sized and it got pretty cold last nigh. I didn't want to waste gas letting the exploder idle through the nigh so I could have heat, but I had to start her up twice in the middle of the night. Plus my daughter didn't answer the phone when I called to check on her last night. Between worrying about my daughter, worrying about being moved along by the police and freezing temperatures with the wrong sleeping bag, I did not sleep well.

I'm so glad to have found a Burger King so I can take advantage of the free Wi-fi.

So everyone wish me luck on my job interviews and on house hunting. Finding an affordable reasonable priced rental is going to be a challenge here. If I get this first job I'm interviewing for, I may find myself with a bit of a commute because it's in a more expensive area than we can afford. Keep us in your prayers.

Love Being A Parent

If you're not a parent, you don't know what you're missing. And if you're one of those people that never wants children, I feel sorry for you.

I love being a mom. I love my children so much. They bring me so much joy and their not even trying. They're just being themselves with all their imperfections and idiosyncrasies.

Today for example. I had to take Cherokee back to the doctor's office. She rarely catches a cold, but right now she has a whopper of a cold. And since she's so rarely sick, she's being a big baby about it.

So when we left the doctor's today, she had a prescription we needed to stop off and get on the way home. Nothing out of the ordinary there. But of course, we have to wait a half hour for the prescription to be ready. Thus, we had a half hour to walk around the CVS and explore.

Cherokee being Cherokee naturally ends up in the isle with all the cookies and stuff. And I'm like no, because the last thing either of our big butts needs is another cookie. But she had some money with her and decided to buy the box of cookies she wanted herself, fine.

The prescription is finally ready and we can finally check out. We're at the check out counter up front and Cherokee is having trouble getting into her purse. She walks in place in a circle as she's trying to get into her purse like a dog chasing it's butt.

I was dying and Cherokee is totally oblivious. She has no idea why I'm laughing my butt off.  I don't know how anyone can think there is more fun to be had out there at the bottom of a tequila bottle than there is having your own family and just watching the silly things they do sometimes. I love being a parent and their uninvolved fathers are missing all the fun.

I'm So Excited!

I am so excited. I had a preliminary phone interview for Home Depot this morning and I have a face-to-fave interview scheduled for next week. And not for their call center either, for store operations.

So I'm going to have a 7-10 hour drive to get there, it's in N. Thornton, Colorado. I'm kind of Utahed out right now. I think Chreokee and especially me will do better in an area where there are more converts like ourselves. I just have this little problem with being true to myself. I just don't believe in Fake-It-Till-You-Make It. It's one of the most dishonest philosophies I've ever heard. And I wasn't part of a clique in high school and they just don't belong in church, any church.

Deep breath... I guess it's kind of obvious I've gotten a little frustrated with more than just the job I found myself in, here in Utah.

Having Asberger's Syndrome, a form of Autism, Cherokee isn't always good with change, especially sudden change. But she's excited about this. The only complication I see right now is Chreokee's last day of school is May 30th. And if I'm hired on for Home Depot next week, I'll need a rental unit in that area not too far from my new job. I'm looking at possibly trying to cover rent for 2 place through at least May.

They say Heavenly Father doesn't give you more than you can handle. But I think that's only covers mentally and emotionally. I don't think He's paying attention to finances. I wish I knew someone in the area there, but I don't. I'm flying a bit blind here. But at least I'm not trying to leap across the country without having a job lined up first. I learned a lot from my failed attempt to move to LA that landed me here in Utah instead.

Wish me luck. And keep us in your prayers.