Failure

I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle, like I should just accept the fact that I'm meant to be perpetually poor, never have a home of my own and just accept that I'm meant to sleep under a bridge and not a roof.

I spent the day trapped in the apartment with the lease that expires next month. The Exploder was in the shop all day. The last thing I need right now are car problems on top of everything else.

I wish I had my daughter's confidence in me. She's positive some way, some how I'm going to manage to pull us thru this. But I think she's wrong this time. The unemployment is $233 a week before tax. But if Convergys wins their appeal, I'll be required to pay it back. I don't know what I'm supposed to pay it back with without a job yet. I don't  even know where we'll be living after May, if we'll be living anywhere specific.

Cherokee thinks she can cope with living out of the back of the Exploder if it comes to that, but I don't think she can. If it was just me, I could cope with living out of the back of the Exploder if I had to. But my daughter doesn't deserve that. Just like the children we saw don't deserve to live in those run down smelly old apartments breathing black-moldy air as they sleep at night.

I'm such I big freaking failure. My children deserve so much better than me, but I'm what they're stuck with. I don't know why they love me. I'm certainly not worthy of their love.