Leprosy

I seem to have developed leprosy again. It happened after my mom tried to kill me. No one wanted me nor my children around. They stopped taking my phone calls, stopped returning them and asked us to stay away because they were afraid my mother would come after them for being friends with me. Even my church asked me not to come anymore for fear she would show up and kill me on church property which would bring bad publicity to  the church and someone else may get hurt while she was killing me. I understood. I wished I could run and hide from myself at that time too.

But it still hurt to have people you've known most of your life turn their back on you when you didn't do a thing wrong. I hadn't tried to harm anyone. My children have never harmed anyone else. But neighbors didn't want their children playing with mine. Yet I think it was the church's reaction that hurt me the most. I'm not angry. I understand. But it still hurts. To have bad publicity mentioned as one of their reasons for me to stay away, I think the missionaries who found me and baptised me would be ashamed. I often wonder what became of Peter and Troy. But I've had so many struggles and trials, I didn't manage to keep in touch with them.

But I seem to have contracted leprosy again. I spent today calling and leaving messages for anyone I thought may have some kind of experience that could help us. As of yet, no one has returned my calls. I find that in these situations, people tell themselves that someone else will help. Problem is, everyone is thinking that someone else will help and then no one helps. Our first instinct is to protect ourselves and I understand that. It just makes me sad. I hate finding myself alone with no one willing to help because they're too scared. It's why I hate crowds.

You can be out in public in a big crowd of people in broad daylight and be no safer than if you were alone in a dark alley. I'll take the dark alley thank you. In the dark alley I might find a place to hide. Out in that crowd in broad daylight, you can be raped and/or murdered and no one will stop to help. They'll just keep on walking, pretending they don't see and telling themselves, someone else will help.

It's been my experience that no one stops to help. As they take away the body, people always asks, why didn't anyone help? Self preservation, it's our instinct to protect ourselves first. It's why we're astounded when someone goes above and beyond to help a total stranger because it goes against that instinct to protect ourselves. It's a hard instinct to fight and most of us obey it. I've certainly obeyed it. Not proud of that but it's the truth. I froze and didn't try to help. I knew what to do, but just couldn't make myself do it.

Or maybe it's just Monday and everyone was just too busy to get back to me. I think yesterday was Easter. But I don't have the time or the money to waste on holidays right now. Easter Bunny didn't find us. It's not the first time. Santa has passed us by before too. There's no rest for the weary and I'm not getting any rest. I'll try not to torture myself like last night and take a pill tonight since I still have some. Too bad there's less than a half a bottle left. The pill helps me fall to sleep but it doesn't keep me asleep. So I'll probably only sleep for two hours, then I'll be back up. So if you find yourself sleepless, don't be afraid to give me a call.